The Most Important Gift You Will Ever Open

 I am an indie author/publisher. I can say that because of a gift that I finally “got”; one that we all have, but usually don’t open. Curious? Good!

In 2010 I went for my annual physical. The routine blood tests all came back normal like usual, and I went on with my day. There was a gift waiting for me, one that had been there since I was born; but once again I failed to open it.

Then, my phone rang. I needed to come back in because my mammogram had something suspicious on it. After another mammogram and biopsy, I got another call. The call that finally got me to open my eyes…the call that finally got me to open the gift.

I had breast cancer. I could go on and on about my feelings, my fears, the surgery, the radiation, the healing; but that is not what this blog is about. This blog is about what getting cancer forces you to do. It forces you to finally open your eyes and see the gift that has been waiting for you from the moment you were born.

t is the gift of “now”.

I finally understood that anything that I wanted to accomplish in my life should not be put on a back burner for “someday”. ‘Someday’ is not guaranteed. We all run out of “someday” sooner or later. But I did (and do) have “now”. Nothing brings this home to us like the threat of no longer existing.

And so, once I was done with all of the radiation, I committed to writing five days a week, at least an hour a day. No matter what. Why? Because “now” is all I had; all any of us have.

I had always wants to write a novel. Had started a couple but never finished. This time, I knew that if I wanted it to happen, it was up to me to make sure that nothing stopped me.  Not even "someday".

Gastien Part 1: The Cost of the Dream was born from that. I self published for many reasons. I did not even try to go the traditional route. I wanted freedom. I did not want to wait (remember “now”?). I wanted to control my own destiny in regard to my writing. It came out for Kindle and Nook on August 1, 2011. Paperback arrived shortly after.

Gastien Part 2: From Dream to Destiny released the week of December 13th for Kindle and NOOK.  I am waiting for the paperback proof. I may never see the kind of success that Amanda Hocking, did...but if one Minnesota gal can do it, why not two?

I am not going to use this blog to talk about the saga/romance series of Gastien. You will find links above if you want more information. I simply want to share the gift of “now”.

I could never have imagined how exciting it would be to hold my own book in my hands! It is a feeling that I am glad I got to experience. Cancer did that for me. I had always heard there were blessings to cancer, but thought it was b.s. Not so. The gift of “now” is the greatest gift there is…and it is free and available to all of us.

The cancer is gone. It was caught very early and my doctor says to plan on eventually dying from something else. Yes, of course. No one gets out of here alive. That is why I am moving right into the third book in the Gastien series, but first taking time to make love to the color for a week (as Gastien called painting). It is time. Now!

I hope this each one of you reading this will accept the gift that has always sat there, waiting for you to open it. I can’t give it to you. Only you can. It is your gift of “now”.

Open it. Please.                       

What I Got For Christmas (Christmas Alone)

We are celebrating Christmas alone this year.  It is not the first time, nor will it be the last.  We did not decorate or put up a tree.  We have only exchanged gifts with each other three times in almost forty years.  We have always bought what we wanted during the year.  The times we bought gifts, most of them were exchanged for something else or put on a garage sale a few years later.

People want to feel sorry for us when they find out we "aren't doing anything" for Christmas.  They assume we must be depressed or Grinch's because we have not decorated (it has been a couple years since we have).

Not so. We are perfectly happy and we have Christmas spirit inside.  We just don't feel like getting out a bunch of "stuff" and then having to put that "stuff" away to get out the regular "stuff".  We are extremely busy and that is one chore we have eliminated that last couple of years.

Oh, we will decorate again.  Now that we have Gideon in our life we know the importance of making Christmas magical for him.  Once he is old enough he will want to see decorations when he comes over to Grandma and Grandpa Rowland's house and that is just fine.  Right know we just need a break.

As far as being alone, we treasure that time together.  We don't always want to be alone on Christmas. But, when we are, it is a time to just enjoy the person we love the most.  There is no pressure to be anywhere (most everything is closed).  We can stay up as late as we want, sleep as late as we want and don't have a long drive.  We don't have to clean like maniacs for company.  We can eat whatever we damn please.  We can even make love on the kitchen table if we want, because Santa ain't coming down our chimney! Yeah, people in their 50's (and later!) have sex.  Damn good sex.  Get over it. You can only hope you are that lucky when you are older.

Gifts?  I got mine early this year.  Gideon arrived next door on August 20th.  I have already blogged about our love for him.  We are now "grandparents" and I treasure every moment with him.  What better gift is there than new life that I am not responsible for 24 hours a day? We are childless by choice and grandparents by choice.  Those choices have proved perfect for us.

I also received the gift of "no cancer" in regard to the biopsy I had this fall.  When you have had cancer once that is an even bigger gift!

I got two books out this year, my first two.  It is quite a gift to hold a book in your hand that has your name as author.  The Gastien series is alive and well. I love being an indie author!

It looks like Christmas won't be white here and we both consider that a gift.  It makes the Minnesota winter a but shorter.

Lastly, I am going to be "making love to the color" (as Gastien called painting) from now until January 2nd.  No writing. Just a little promotion of my books and lots of paint and canvas.  Yeah baby!  Like Gastien, that is why I am here.  That and the writing.

I found out that my nephews 8 year old daughter wants to be an author.  She writes things and asks her mom to send them to publishers, so I am going to turn this blog over to her tomorrow.  You will be hearing from Kaylee tomorrow with some Christmas thoughts.  It would be nice if she got some comments to encourage her.

So, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy New Year or just plain old have a great life...depending on your belief.  I am off to make love...to the color!

Limbo Is A Terrible Place To Be

There are many terrible places to be, but limbo ranks right up there.  We all go there every once in awhile. Some to wait and see if their marriage is going to work out after an affair; some to wait and see if a loved one is going to pull through a horrible accident or illness. Others are waiting for the ax to fall at work, watching as one friend after another gets the dreaded notice: You are not needed anymore.

Some, like me right now, are waiting for test results.  Do I have cancer again or not? Do I get to go on with my life without making hard decisions (at least for the immediate future) regarding single or double mastecomy, going "flat" or implants?  Or am I going to get a call that says "Sorry, but the cancer came back.  Life itself may not need you anymore."

I had outpatient sugery Monday and came home the same day.  We think it is a duct filled with debris and water.  It hurt some, too, which is good.  The doctor says cancer does not hurt.  There is only a very small chance it will be cancer.  Still, I heard that once before, one and half years ago.  It was Stage 0 and my doctor told me afterward that I should plan on eventually dying of something besides cancer.  Everything looked good.

Now, there is this.  It takes one to three days to hear.  Today is the second day of waiting.  My stomach hurts so bad that I wonder if I have an ulcer, and I go from extremely postive to scared as hell.  I just can't sit here and wait for the phone to ring today.  I will go and paint for three hours.  That is my escape.  Unlike my body, the color never betrays me.

As I said, we have all been in limbo.  You all understand exactly what I mean.  And, if the news is bad, I will wish for even limbo again.  Still, as we all know, limbo is a terrible place to be.