What is a Real Valentine?

Valentine's Day has always been a favorite holiday of mine.  Ever since I was a little girl, I thought it was really romantic.  My parents gave me valentines and we exchanged valentines in school.  You had to put a valentine in every classmate's valentine box so that some did not get more than others.

But what impressed me the most was the valentine candy my mom would get from my dad.  It wasn't terribly expensive.  People were not as materialistic then.  But it was always a red, heart shaped box, sometimes with ribbon or velvet on it. To me, it was extremely elegant and beautiful.  Something a princess or a movie star would receive.

Now businesses do their best to ruin the day.  It is all about making money.  I am all for businesses making money, but not when they do it by pressuring partners to spend more than they should, making men feel "less than" if they can't, and making women feel they aren't quite loved enough if they don't recieve the "Best".

The jewelry ads really irritate me.  Yes, I imagine some people that have a lot of money give expensive jewelry.  Most people don't have a lot of money, or if they do they also have children, charities, and a myriad of more worthy things to spend it on.  I am not saying your spouse is not worthy.  I AM saying your spouse does not need to be treated like an expensive callgirl.  Not unless she has self worth issues.  And if she does, perhaps you would be better off finding a new person to be your valentine.

Real women, women who know their value and truly love their men (or women) for the person they are, don't need a diamond bracelet or ring, a several hundred dollar meal, chocolates that cost $50 for six.  If you can afford that by the way, by all means give it.  But be more original than the stooge who is tricked into giving it on Valentine's Day.  Give it on a regular day.  Really suprirse her.  Don't cowtow to the businesses greed on this day that is supposed to be about love and lovers.

A real valentine is authentic.  They look the person they love in the eye and tell them how much they really mean.  How they always look forward to seeing them every day.  That their heart beats faster whenever they get a smile, a kiss, a kind endearment from their partner. 

A real valentine cleans up after the valentine meal if they could not spend money out somewhere reasonable.  Or they cook.  A real valentine watches the children while their partner takes some "me" time. In fact, a real valentine does half of the work around the house, if both partners work at jobs or careers, not just once a year.

A real valentine remembers to show that they mean those fancy words by following up-if not every single day-most days, by always doing at least one small, intimate thing to show their love. It doesn't take money.  It takes giving of oneself.

A real valentine does not have to shower their lover with expensive gifts.  They automatically know that the most precious gifts of all are true love, attention, and time.  Those things will always be cherished because, dear valentines, those things are priceless.

How do I know?  I am one of the lucky ones.  I feel cherished the majority of days. I didn't marry money, or fame, or power.  But I did marry an authenic valentine.

I love you forever, David Anthony. I am so glad that you elected to be my valentine.

Why What We Love Becomes What We Hate

Too often the characteristics of your spouse or significant other that make you fall in love with them end up being the same traits that irritate the hell out of you once the newness of the relationship wears off. Unfortunately, most of us may not realize that. If we do, we may not understand why that trait is now so irritating.

OK, so saying we now "hate" it is extreme. But those characteristics can drive us wonky. Why? I am no expert (well, I am kind of. I have been married for decades), but I read something several years back that made sense of it for me. I wish I could remember where I read it or who wrote it because I would like to give them credit. It has helped me understand and hold my tongue on many occasions during our marriage.

When we fall in love, we tend to look for someone who has strengths we don't necessarily have. Usually unconsciously. Hence, the cliche "opposites attract" (this is far different from having opposite morals or interests, which can hurt a relationship). That is because it will balance us, make the unit a whole. If we are afraid to voice our opinion, we find  someone who can gifted. If we beat ourselves up with guilt over never getting enough done, we admire that fact that he/she is relaxed and laid back. If we have trouble asking others to help us, we find him/her great at delegating. If we are wall flowers, he or she is the toast of the party.

We fall in love; time goes on. Now that person is a human instead of a god. All of a sudden, "gifted" becomes "opinionated". "Laid back" becomes "lazy". Forget "great at delegating"! They are just plain "bossy". "Toast of the party"? They are a "show off"!  Those very qualities we love turn into warts we would like to burn off.

Why? That article explained that it is because those qualities are so foreign to our sense of self. Those traits are not naturally part of us and so they feel "wrong". Plus, we are a bit jealous. Our partner are things we are can't be; at least not naturally. It eats at us that they can be things easily that we either can't be or have to work at. Now again, this is not conscious. Most of us don't think we are that small minded or that jealous. It is human nature to feel threatened or irritated by traits that are not innately us, though.

If we keep that in mind, all of a sudden those traits are not so irritating. After all, those things are the very reasons we fell in love in the first place.  Keeping that in mind gives the person we love permission to be the person they are. Remember, they fell in love with your for your characteristics.  Those characteristics are as foreign to them as theirs are to you. You drive them crazy for the same reasons. Isn't part of love acceptance and admiration of what the other truly is?

As long as you are both sharing responsibilities, you are fine. Chill out and let you partner be the person they were meant to be. Be the person you were meant to be.  You will both be a lot happier for it.  You will also find that you compliment each other very well.