The Mental Illness of Creativity

Being an indie author and a painter, I have had the opportunity to meet many other creative types.  I have also read about a lot of different artists, mostly painters, or watched documentaries about them.  What I have discovered is that for the vast majority of them, mental illness seems to be part of their make-up.

Everyone assumes that being talented in the arts is a blessing.  Yes, indeed it is in many ways.  In some ways, though, it is a curse.  Most of us will never make much money at all from our artistic endeavors.  To pursue the life of an artist full time is usually equivalent to pursuing poverty.  It is not enjoyable to move from crappy room or apartment to another, nor is it enjoyable to wonder where your next meal comes from. How many famous artists made money while they were alive?  Point made. For a painter, fame usually follows death.,,if it comes at all.

So, most of us work at other jobs.  Usually, these jobs feel to us like they are sucking our soul out of our body.  Some of us always work at something else full time.  Some work part-time.  Others take some time off to just create, hoping against hope that they will find a way to continue full time at what they were meant to do.

This creates other problems.  If we have other jobs, our free time is limited.  Do we create or do we involve ourselves in personal relationships?  It is damn difficult to work 40 hours, write or paint, be a lover and friend, raise kids, take care of a home,  and all of the other things that involve life.

The artist is always torn. Really, the reason they are here is to create.  When they are not creating, they feel real anguish and a pull that is hard to silence.  When they create, they become so involved in their work that everything outside of that is shut out.  That hurts people they love.

Because artists are human, they also need love and want to love.  If they take the time to be involved with another adult, take the time to have children and really enjoy them....when do they create?  Do they give up sleep to create?  That can't be continued forever, either.

That is the conflict that creatives face every moment of each day.  One thing that I have noticed and discussed with many artists is the fact that, if you read about almost any past painter, almost every one of them either spent time in a mental institution (sometimes more than once), had alcohol or drug problems, or committed suicide.  Seriously, I would bet at least 90% of them.

So, here is my question.  Are creatives already mentally ill because of the way they see things?  Or does the stress of trying to create, make a living, and be involved with others all at the same time cause it?  I know I see things differently than most.  I always have. I have also struggled with some forms of mental illness.  Drugs for it dull creativity so I opt to go without.  Learn to cope. Accept my alienation that I feel at times.  Go deep inside and ground myself.

Ah, yes.  The blessing of creative talent.  Is my storytelling simply a way to escape reality?  I don't know.  What about my painting?  Is it a blessing? When I am dead, who will give a damn about the hundreds of canvases painted in my basement? When I think of that, my paintbrush feels more like a dagger that could, at any time, be plunged deep into my heart.

And so I go back to square one.  Go back, as I said, deep within myself to find my grounding.  I remember, once again, that I don't create simply because I am good enough or because I love it.  I create because I have to.  That is why I am here. Words and me.  Color and me.  Why I am here.

Strange Magic: The Courtship Between Color and Me

I don't know how most artists paint, but I definitely have a sort of courtship dance that I do with my work.  I always look forward to the days that I plan on makin' love to the color.  In my head I imagine spending hours upon hours lost in that special place.  It seldom happens that way for me, though.

For some reason, I have to "court" the color, or perhaps the painting.  First, I get things set up.  Easel, canvas, paints at the ready.  My favorite brushes.  The palette.  Then, the dance begins. 

Oh, I may draw a little bit, or paint the background or underpainting.  I am just as likely to do nothing, though.  I have to kind of walk around the house, looking at the canvas on the easel.  Not too bold.  Just a glance.  I don't want to make it uncomfortable.  That canvas is no hussy!  It is a rare gift to me, and I damn well better treat it right!  To paint is to be with my Creator and that is holy.  Homage must be made.

Finally, I approach.  It may be the same day, it may not.  As I begin, I play one of 4 CD's.  Dire Straights first album simply titled "Dire Straights".  Joan Osborne's CD "Early Recordings".  Joan Jett's Greatest Hits.  Or The Beatles "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band".  Why those?  I don't know.  Does it matter?  Sometimes I will listen to the radio, too.  Classic Rock, or Classical.  But mostly it is those four.  Those four are "our songs".  The songs the color and I fall in love with each other to.

I may paint three or four hours.  I may paint two.  Then, the dance begins again.  I have to walk around, glancing at it.  Look up from the table while eating and notice nuances, what works, what isn't.  Still, I don't jump up and "fix" it or elaborate.  No, no!  One cannot accost their lover.

When the time is right to begin again, I know.  I can then start to caress my lover and show it, just a little more, what I am feeling for it.  Eventually, the painting gets done.  Sometimes I feel it is a success.  Other times, I feel I have fallen far short of what I was trying to express to my dearest love.

It used to puzzle me, this game of cat and mouse.  It seemed I must be scared to just paint!  I finally realize it is not fear.  It is reverence.  It is a building of anticipation, a sensuous revelling in the erotic pleasure of creation. 

Just like making love to a human, the joy...the bliss of the act should not be ignored.  Yes, the ending is breathtaking for me, just like with sex...but, oh, the pleasure of building up to that!  That is not to be taken lightly, but prolonged so that every fiber of my being can rejoice in it. My color.  My love.  My everything.

Painting a Place I Have Never Been, But Used to Live At

As an artist,  I have started a journey.  I am painting the largest painting I have ever done, in a style I have never painted, of a place I have never been. Confusing?  No.  Scary?  Yes. Impossible? No. Challenging? Definitely.

I have started to paint a street scene in Paris.  Specifically the Montmartre area, where Impressionism started.  As an indie writer my first two novels take place there, in the nineteenth century.  In fact, the main character, Gastien, is an artist.

I love Impressionism, but have seldom been a painter of that style.  I usually paint from one extreme to another: realism or abstract. So, why the change? Welllll.....because I happen to believe that change is good for the soul.  It keeps the mind fresh and forces one to think in new ways.  It will also force my painting hand to work in new ways!

I also do not paint street scenes.  At least, not in the past.  Yet, here I am with the underpainting done of a street across from place du tertre (the park where Impressionists often painted in the late 1800's and many artists still paint today). 

I have not been there once.  Not in this life.  That place, though, it is so familiar.  I have lived there before.  It is the place that my soul cries for.  I know I will live there again.  My beautiful, now over commercialized Montmartre.  I hear you calling me back.  I have not forgotten you.  I never could.  Somewhere deep inside I remember every street, every building, every tree, every dirt road.

I don't know if I will get there in this lifetime, but I promise you I will try.  And, if I don't, I will do my best to return the next time.  I know nothing will be the same.  Yet everything will be familiar.  Your true home when visiting this planet always feels right to you, and you will know where it is if you take the time to listen.

For now, I will pick up my brushes, mix some color and make a poor attempt to capture some of that love that I feel for that place, that home I had long ago.  I don't know if I will have a masterpiece or what others will consider a piece of junk.  But this I do know: the final painting will carry part of my energy back to my earth home and help me connect to the place I am always meant to be.  At least while I am here on earth.  For me, it is the closest I can get to my real home; that place of eternity whenever I am not visiting here.

Oui, now you know.  If you read this carefully and know me at all, you will know.  If you don't know me, chalk it up to being slightly crazy, and extremely open minded.  A soul who embraces the "what ifs" and knows when some of them are true.  I have lived many times.  Once it was in Montmartre.  Been there, done that...will do it again.  Je t'aime beaucoup, mon Monmartre.  Je t'aime.

A Resolution to Accept Imperfection

Another year is coming up and we all know that resolutions will be made to lose weight, stop smoking, exercise more, be kinder, spend more time with kids, and a ton of others.  Some people will even manage to keep the resolutions going for months.  Others?  Within a week or two the resolution is forgotten about.

I remember one year that I resolved to lose weight. I lost 60 pounds.  Then I got a very stressful job and gained it all back.  I sat on my ass 8 hours a day selling electronic advertising.  By the end of the day I was so mentally exhausted I just could not drive myself to exercise.  An excuse?  Maybe.  Or maybe my body and mind just needed to rest.

For this indie author 2012 is going to be the year that I learn to forgive myself.  I vow to no longer expect perfection from the time I wake up...going from one task on a list to another and always feeling like I am coming up short because there are so many tasks still left to compete.  All of a sudden the day is over, the week is over...the months are over.  And although I accomplished a lot of things I have found that I was strangely not present.  I was too busy "doing" to enjoy just "being".

I am going to just "be" this upcoming year.  Yes, I will accomplish goals.  I am a goal oriented person.  But the time frames for completion will be less strident.  If I decide to spend the day in the woods, or at the zoo, I am NOT going to feel guilty.  In other words, I am going to simply live to live.

If I don't lose weight without it being a struggle, perhaps I don't want to that badly.  If I don't push myself to do exercise every damn day, or even most of them, perhaps it is because my muscles ache.  I am tired to hearing how exercise is supposed to help that.  It doesn't.  It makes it worse.  Even yoga sometimes.  So, excuse me, but I am going to love myself.  When I feel that I would enjoy hiking or yoga, I will do it.  When I want a nap, I will nap instead.

Perhaps it is age.  I remember one person telling me that getting older was in a way a relief because your expectations are lower.  I find that is true for me.
I am going to enjoy some desserts and I am going to enjoy some salads.  I am going to sleep later when I wish.  And take a nap if I wish.

If our house is dirty, we may clean it.  Or, we may instead decide to go play.  I fell in love with my husband because I enjoy him, not because he can clean a bathroom well.  If our house bothers people, they can stop coming over.  We will never be pigs, but at times you will see dust.  I will admit we are NOT messy, but can be dirty.  It is our dirt.  If you come over I will have a clean bathroom, but the other rooms may be dusty.  Get over it or find new friends.

I am going to write more novels because I enjoy it, not because a time frame is glaring at me.  I am going to paint more because it is who I am, not because perhaps someone will discover me. Some people will love my books and my art.  Some will hate it.  That's cool.  I will love my books and art regardless. Anything that causes emotion (and my work tends to do that) results in strong reaction.

I have finally realized that I am fabulous just as I am.  Not perfect, but just fine.  The soul in this body has waiting for acceptance for 56 years.  I accept her now.  Welcome, self, to 2012...the year of self love and acceptance.

To Kindle Select or Not to Kindle Select, That is the Question

Indie Authors have a big decision to make.

Amazon has changed the game and may be planning on taking over the publishing world.  Around mid December they started offering authors Kindle Select.  If you join, you get to be part of their loaning program and get part of the revenue shared by authors whose books are loaned to Prime members.  Prime members can borrow one book a month.

You can also offer your book free for 5 days during 90 days.  Doing so often pushes your book into the top 100 lists for the genres it is listed in and makes it appear also a "also bought" for people.  This means you may sell a whole lot more for awhile after the free days.

Not to mention that books in the Select program will probably be promoted more heavily to Prime customers.  Sounds great, right?

Well...not so much.  In order to do that, you have to go exclusively with Amazon for at least 90 days.  That means you can't sell your book on B&N for NOOK, Apple, any other book sites or even your own website.  You must have your book removed from all of those sources and only be available on Amazon.  If you stay with Select after the 90 days you must stay exclusive to Amazon.

That means you lose your reviews on those other sites.  It means those customers can no longer buy your book.  For some authors, that does not seem like a big deal.  The majority of sales come from Amazon for most anyway.

But think about it for a minute.  Doesn't that take the "indie" out of indie author?  Telling someone where they can and cannot sell their book is not exactly independent. Also, traditionally published authors don't have to play by the same rules.  They are not required to be exclusive, at least from what I understand.  If I am wrong, I hope someone corrects me.  How is that fair?

Also, if a Prime member can only "borrow" one book a month, how many times will that be an indie book?  Indie books are significantly less money.  Why would they use their one borrow for a $2.99 or .99 book when they can use it for a $10.00 or more?  Really, the money an indie will make from the loaning program won't be much.

What if Amazon pushes hard enough that almost all indies are exclusive with them?  Can't they then change the game again...and offer them a lot less profit per book?  Where are they going to go unless they start over, building reviews, etc on other sites?

I don't know.  This seems like a stranger offering me candy on a street corner.  On the other hand, other authors are jumping in and seeing a huge increase in visibility because of days their book is free.  It remains to be seen how that free turns into future sales...but it is looking promising.

So far, I have decided not to abandon my Nook users.  But they are a tough sell.  If things don't improve with Nook users and my sales, I may be tempted.  I have not published with Apple yet, but planned to.  Now this Kindle Select comes along. Still, it just feels wrong in my gut...and my gut seldom lies.

It would be easier to try it if I wrote stand alone books.  Right now I am in the middle of a series.  It does not make sense to put just one of two in a series on there only on Amazon...or does it? What about when book 3 comes out?  Should I make book 1 exclusive then, thinking that it has been out long enough on other sites already?  Decisions, decisions.

Yeah, it feels crappy, like a potentially bad situation in the future. I have been wrong before and could be again.  This is really a hard decision.  A decision every indie author will be facing with every book published. Tomorrow I may wake up and think "what the hell" and try it.  Or I may continue as is, truly indie and loving it.

The Most Important Gift You Will Ever Open

 I am an indie author/publisher. I can say that because of a gift that I finally “got”; one that we all have, but usually don’t open. Curious? Good!

In 2010 I went for my annual physical. The routine blood tests all came back normal like usual, and I went on with my day. There was a gift waiting for me, one that had been there since I was born; but once again I failed to open it.

Then, my phone rang. I needed to come back in because my mammogram had something suspicious on it. After another mammogram and biopsy, I got another call. The call that finally got me to open my eyes…the call that finally got me to open the gift.

I had breast cancer. I could go on and on about my feelings, my fears, the surgery, the radiation, the healing; but that is not what this blog is about. This blog is about what getting cancer forces you to do. It forces you to finally open your eyes and see the gift that has been waiting for you from the moment you were born.

t is the gift of “now”.

I finally understood that anything that I wanted to accomplish in my life should not be put on a back burner for “someday”. ‘Someday’ is not guaranteed. We all run out of “someday” sooner or later. But I did (and do) have “now”. Nothing brings this home to us like the threat of no longer existing.

And so, once I was done with all of the radiation, I committed to writing five days a week, at least an hour a day. No matter what. Why? Because “now” is all I had; all any of us have.

I had always wants to write a novel. Had started a couple but never finished. This time, I knew that if I wanted it to happen, it was up to me to make sure that nothing stopped me.  Not even "someday".

Gastien Part 1: The Cost of the Dream was born from that. I self published for many reasons. I did not even try to go the traditional route. I wanted freedom. I did not want to wait (remember “now”?). I wanted to control my own destiny in regard to my writing. It came out for Kindle and Nook on August 1, 2011. Paperback arrived shortly after.

Gastien Part 2: From Dream to Destiny released the week of December 13th for Kindle and NOOK.  I am waiting for the paperback proof. I may never see the kind of success that Amanda Hocking, did...but if one Minnesota gal can do it, why not two?

I am not going to use this blog to talk about the saga/romance series of Gastien. You will find links above if you want more information. I simply want to share the gift of “now”.

I could never have imagined how exciting it would be to hold my own book in my hands! It is a feeling that I am glad I got to experience. Cancer did that for me. I had always heard there were blessings to cancer, but thought it was b.s. Not so. The gift of “now” is the greatest gift there is…and it is free and available to all of us.

The cancer is gone. It was caught very early and my doctor says to plan on eventually dying from something else. Yes, of course. No one gets out of here alive. That is why I am moving right into the third book in the Gastien series, but first taking time to make love to the color for a week (as Gastien called painting). It is time. Now!

I hope this each one of you reading this will accept the gift that has always sat there, waiting for you to open it. I can’t give it to you. Only you can. It is your gift of “now”.

Open it. Please.