Finding Happiness

As an indie author it is easy to get so caught up in all of the things I need to do to market my book that it is hard to find time to write.  There is blogging, tweeting, facebook, emails, review requests, interviews...the list goes on and on.

I am not just an indie author though.  I am a wife, a friend to many, a homeowner, a grandma (although I am childless by choice), a companion of two parrots, and have many hobbies.  Like everyone else these days, I struggle to find time for everything.  Worse yet, while doing one thing I feel this nagging guilt that I really should be doing another. And, always, I am trying to find happiness.

As an author I keep thinking that once my books start selling big time I will be happy.  Once I have the series done I will be happy.  Once I can stop worrying about income I will be happy.

As a human I sometimes think that if we lived somewhere warmer I would be happy, or if we could take nice vacations I would be happy.  Perhaps if we could replace our worn out carpet and redo the hardwoods underneath I would be happy.  If Dave and I could find more time to just be with other I would be happy.  When (and if) we ever retire I will be happy.

In the meantime, time has taken away the vast majority of my life.  Don't get me wrong.  I am not "unhappy".  I am generally quite a happy person, but I think all of us fall into that trap of thinking things would be "happier" if only.
If only I would lose weight, have money, not hurt, have more time...the list goes on and on.

The problem is, we look for things other than ourselves to make us happy.  Even if we try to find it in ourselves, it is by "correcting" or "improving" the body and mind we have been given.  Self improvement can be a great thing; self acceptance is even greater.

You want happiness?  Do I?  Then, truly, we need to stop "wanting" and start simply "being".  There is so much joy in just being able to breathe, to blink.  To be able to hear a child laugh, a bird sing.  To see a sunrise instead of rushing around opening blinds to that you can get to the computer and begin to "do".  There is not just happiness, but true joy all around us and within us.
We just have to be quiet enough to notice it.

My books may eventually sell great or sit and collect "dust" online.  I may always be overweight now, after years of being thin.  I am going to always hurt some.  And, hopefully, get old.  I am not guaranteed that.  Nobody is.
What I am guaranteed is the beauty-right now-of seeing the color I painted my walls (it IS a happy color!), of feeling love in my heart for my friends and family, of knowing that my heart beats and my mind works and I can stop and read poetry any time I want to.

The miracle of being on this planet.  What a sheer, simple miracle. Being here now and knowing it. That is happiness.  If we clear our mind and simply look, happiness is there within us.  It always was and always will be.  We just need to allow it to be noticed.

A Resolution to Accept Imperfection

Another year is coming up and we all know that resolutions will be made to lose weight, stop smoking, exercise more, be kinder, spend more time with kids, and a ton of others.  Some people will even manage to keep the resolutions going for months.  Others?  Within a week or two the resolution is forgotten about.

I remember one year that I resolved to lose weight. I lost 60 pounds.  Then I got a very stressful job and gained it all back.  I sat on my ass 8 hours a day selling electronic advertising.  By the end of the day I was so mentally exhausted I just could not drive myself to exercise.  An excuse?  Maybe.  Or maybe my body and mind just needed to rest.

For this indie author 2012 is going to be the year that I learn to forgive myself.  I vow to no longer expect perfection from the time I wake up...going from one task on a list to another and always feeling like I am coming up short because there are so many tasks still left to compete.  All of a sudden the day is over, the week is over...the months are over.  And although I accomplished a lot of things I have found that I was strangely not present.  I was too busy "doing" to enjoy just "being".

I am going to just "be" this upcoming year.  Yes, I will accomplish goals.  I am a goal oriented person.  But the time frames for completion will be less strident.  If I decide to spend the day in the woods, or at the zoo, I am NOT going to feel guilty.  In other words, I am going to simply live to live.

If I don't lose weight without it being a struggle, perhaps I don't want to that badly.  If I don't push myself to do exercise every damn day, or even most of them, perhaps it is because my muscles ache.  I am tired to hearing how exercise is supposed to help that.  It doesn't.  It makes it worse.  Even yoga sometimes.  So, excuse me, but I am going to love myself.  When I feel that I would enjoy hiking or yoga, I will do it.  When I want a nap, I will nap instead.

Perhaps it is age.  I remember one person telling me that getting older was in a way a relief because your expectations are lower.  I find that is true for me.
I am going to enjoy some desserts and I am going to enjoy some salads.  I am going to sleep later when I wish.  And take a nap if I wish.

If our house is dirty, we may clean it.  Or, we may instead decide to go play.  I fell in love with my husband because I enjoy him, not because he can clean a bathroom well.  If our house bothers people, they can stop coming over.  We will never be pigs, but at times you will see dust.  I will admit we are NOT messy, but can be dirty.  It is our dirt.  If you come over I will have a clean bathroom, but the other rooms may be dusty.  Get over it or find new friends.

I am going to write more novels because I enjoy it, not because a time frame is glaring at me.  I am going to paint more because it is who I am, not because perhaps someone will discover me. Some people will love my books and my art.  Some will hate it.  That's cool.  I will love my books and art regardless. Anything that causes emotion (and my work tends to do that) results in strong reaction.

I have finally realized that I am fabulous just as I am.  Not perfect, but just fine.  The soul in this body has waiting for acceptance for 56 years.  I accept her now.  Welcome, self, to 2012...the year of self love and acceptance.