Friday, December 30, 2011

A Resolution to Accept Imperfection

Another year is coming up and we all know that resolutions will be made to lose weight, stop smoking, exercise more, be kinder, spend more time with kids, and a ton of others.  Some people will even manage to keep the resolutions going for months.  Others?  Within a week or two the resolution is forgotten about.

I remember one year that I resolved to lose weight. I lost 60 pounds.  Then I got a very stressful job and gained it all back.  I sat on my ass 8 hours a day selling electronic advertising.  By the end of the day I was so mentally exhausted I just could not drive myself to exercise.  An excuse?  Maybe.  Or maybe my body and mind just needed to rest.

For this indie author 2012 is going to be the year that I learn to forgive myself.  I vow to no longer expect perfection from the time I wake up...going from one task on a list to another and always feeling like I am coming up short because there are so many tasks still left to compete.  All of a sudden the day is over, the week is over...the months are over.  And although I accomplished a lot of things I have found that I was strangely not present.  I was too busy "doing" to enjoy just "being".
I am going to just "be" this upcoming year.  Yes, I will accomplish goals.  I am a goal oriented person.  But the time frames for completion will be less strident.  If I decide to spend the day in the woods, or at the zoo, I am NOT going to feel guilty.  In other words, I am going to simply live to live.

If I don't lose weight without it being a struggle, perhaps I don't want to that badly.  If I don't push myself to do exercise every damn day, or even most of them, perhaps it is because my muscles ache.  I am tired to hearing how exercise is supposed to help that.  It doesn't.  It makes it worse.  Even yoga sometimes.  So, excuse me, but I am going to love myself.  When I feel that I would enjoy hiking or yoga, I will do it.  When I want a nap, I will nap instead.

Perhaps it is age.  I remember one person telling me that getting older was in a way a relief because your expectations are lower.  I find that is true for me.
I am going to enjoy some desserts and I am going to enjoy some salads.  I am going to sleep later when I wish.  And take a nap if I wish.

If our house is dirty, we may clean it.  Or, we may instead decide to go play.  I fell in love with my husband because I enjoy him, not because he can clean a bathroom well.  If our house bothers people, they can stop coming over.  We will never be pigs, but at times you will see dust.  I will admit we are NOT messy, but can be dirty.  It is our dirt.  If you come over I will have a clean bathroom, but the other rooms may be dusty.  Get over it or find new friends.

I am going to write more novels because I enjoy it, not because a time frame is glaring at me.  I am going to paint more because it is who I am, not because perhaps someone will discover me. Some people will love my books and my art.  Some will hate it.  That's cool.  I will love my books and art regardless. Anything that causes emotion (and my work tends to do that) results in strong reaction.

I have finally realized that I am fabulous just as I am.  Not perfect, but just fine.  The soul in this body has waiting for acceptance for 56 years.  I accept her now.  Welcome, self, to 2012...the year of self love and acceptance.

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