Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Limbo Is A Terrible Place To Be

There are many terrible places to be, but limbo ranks right up there.  We all go there every once in awhile. Some to wait and see if their marriage is going to work out after an affair; some to wait and see if a loved one is going to pull through a horrible accident or illness. Others are waiting for the ax to fall at work, watching as one friend after another gets the dreaded notice: You are not needed anymore.

Some, like me right now, are waiting for test results.  Do I have cancer again or not? Do I get to go on with my life without making hard decisions (at least for the immediate future) regarding single or double mastecomy, going "flat" or implants?  Or am I going to get a call that says "Sorry, but the cancer came back.  Life itself may not need you anymore."

I had outpatient sugery Monday and came home the same day.  We think it is a duct filled with debris and water.  It hurt some, too, which is good.  The doctor says cancer does not hurt.  There is only a very small chance it will be cancer.  Still, I heard that once before, one and half years ago.  It was Stage 0 and my doctor told me afterward that I should plan on eventually dying of something besides cancer.  Everything looked good.

Now, there is this.  It takes one to three days to hear.  Today is the second day of waiting.  My stomach hurts so bad that I wonder if I have an ulcer, and I go from extremely postive to scared as hell.  I just can't sit here and wait for the phone to ring today.  I will go and paint for three hours.  That is my escape.  Unlike my body, the color never betrays me.

As I said, we have all been in limbo.  You all understand exactly what I mean.  And, if the news is bad, I will wish for even limbo again.  Still, as we all know, limbo is a terrible place to be.

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