Egads! Stop With The Little Girl Voice Already!

We all know at least one.  In fact, most of us run into several throughout our lives. This phenom is one of the most irritating, fakey apparitions walking the earth, and yet they are convinced that they sound sweet and sexy.  You know what I am talking about: women who talk like little girls.

I suppose there might be one or two adult women in the world with something legitimately wrong with their voice.  They are forced to talk for their whole life like a toddler in training pants who sucks their thumb.  Yeah, there might be one or two.  But of the most part, women who talk in sugary sweet baby voices are not fooling anyone.  They are generally NOT sweet and, if they are past age 3, they are definitely not babies.

Women, knock off the little girl voices! Listen, I know you think it is appealing and sexy.  Let me tell you something.  Until my late forties, ninety percent of the people I hung out with were male. Not one of those males told me that they found women who talked like five year olds sexy. They found them silly and a bit embarrassing to be caught dating. You see, the only males who find little girl voices attractive are attracted to...well...little girls. Are you hoping to date a pedophile? Do you really want to be made love to by a pervert? They're the ones who find little girl voices appealing.

Perhaps you think it makes you sound soft, feminine, and sweet.  It doesn't. It makes you sound silly, not to be taken seriously, and insincere. Most of us are on to you.  You see, we have heard your real voice when you aren't out in public or with a group of friends.  You can talk like a grown up and you can curse and bitch just like a real woman.  The fact that you pretend you can't makes you a liar. You are manipulative and that fact that you think you can trick people makes it hard to trust you.

I have known several women with little girl voices over the years.  Every single one of them could talk in a "big girl voice" and every single one of them was a horrible back stabber.  Your sweet, soft voice is a cover up for a mean spirit and a conniving heart.

Am I being too harsh?  Perhaps so. Still, women have fought long and hard to be taken seriously both in the career arena and in society.  We don't need our own kind undermining that by trying to sound like Marilyn Monroe.  Here's a newsflash for you: Marilyn Monroe was back in the fifties. Marilyn Monroe was a parody, and Marilyn Monroe was never taken seriously by either men or women.  It may be what ultimately killed her.

So, stop with the baby voice and - oh God I beg you - the bulging eyes.  Opening your eyes as wide as possible does not make them look bigger and you more appealing.  It makes you look like a walleye that has just been reeled in and is struggling for oxygen. And those injected, pouting lips? Sorry, but instead of sexy, you look like you need a trip to the ER for allergic reaction.

You are not a little girl.  In fact, you are not a big girl anymore.  You are a grown woman.  Grow up, get real, become honest and speak like one. Once you do, perhaps people will take you seriously, women will trust you, and men might even truly find you sexy. Trust me, you no longer need a daddy. Not unless you want to find yourself sitting alone while your "daddy" serves time in prison for his penchant for little girls.

Come now, dry your eyes and try it.  You can talk like an adult and all of us know it. You'll wub it.  I pwomise. Gitchy gitchy goo. Now take the bow out of your hair and become an adult. You'll be surprised at how good it feels to embrace the world as a real woman, and how wonderful it is for men to find you sexy as you really are.