Friday, February 17, 2012

Sex or bowling? (Three dates, sex ,or you're out?)

As an indie author I have the ability to create all kinds of situations for my characters.  Gastien was not the type of man to "date".  When he did fall in love, he fought it the whole way.  Yet he told himself they could be friends. Therefore, they walked a lot; sat and talked a lot.  Got to know each other.
That is something often missing in these times.  Couples tend to go to bed by the third date at the latest.  I heard from a single friend that the unspoken rule is if you don't end up in bed by then, the relationship is going nowhere and it is time to meet someone else.  Really? You know each other well in 3 dates?

I am no prude.  In fact, most people would say I am way too earthy.  But isn't sex, well, the most intimate thing you can do with someone?  How can you want to share that intimacy with someone you don't even know?  It isn't  recreation.  Do daters today look at each other and say, "What do you think?  A movie?  Bowling? Or sex?  What do you feel like?"

See, the problem is, once you have sex that is all you are interested in doing with each other.  It is our nature.  During that high of "in love" and being turned on, we would rather screw ourselves to death than talk.  So once you have sex, all getting to really know the other person stops. You would rather try a new position with them then find out a few new facts.

If you marry quickly, while you are still in that high "you make me hot just by breathing" zone and have not gotten to know his quirks, her dislikes, each others beliefs about life's major issues you usually end up with someone incompatible.  A few years later you are miserable and divorced.

Why am I an authority?  Because I married at 17, after dating for 3 years.  Everyone said we were too young and it would not last.  We will be celebrating 39 years this June.  Yes, we had sex before marriage.  (Yes, my husband technically could have been arrested for it.  Small towns.  Different times.)  But before we did, we had hours and hours (months, actually..even over a year) of being together and talking, talking, talking.  In between the kissing, kissing, kissing.  There is something wonderfully erotic is just the knowing you aren't getting to the final act...wanting to...not not yet.

I think if people got to know each other before jumping into bed we would have more successful marriages.  Or more long term partnerships.  I am not talking morals.  Really, it isn't about "waiting until marriage" or "respecting me in the morning".  It is about respecting yourself.  Thinking yourself important enough that you want to know you LIKE and TRUST the other person before you share that most intimate act.  That does not often happen in 3 dates.

Call me old fashioned.  I would actually want to know how a person feels about social issues, children, animals, drinking, religion or not, all kinds of things before I decided them worthy of sharing intimacy.  That takes time. I would want to watch how he reacts in different situations, how he treats others. Once I knew they were a person whose beliefs and opinions I admired (even if somewhat different than mine), all bets would be off. The sheets would be hot and sweaty and we would seldom come up for air. 
But before that?  Sorry.  Sex is more sacred to my soul than that.  I am a woman, not a dog in heat.  I don't want you to respect me in the morning.  I want you to respect me all of the time.  More importantly, I want to know that I respect you.

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