Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Get Ready: The Real Housewives of Ramsey County

Before I begin writing or proofing for the day, this indie author rides her exercise bike for 30 minutes every weekday morning. While doing so, I watch junk tv.  Usually the station is Bravo.  We now have the "real" housewives (although many of them work or own businesses) of Orange County, New Jersey, Atlanta, the same type of show about Texas, and probably some others. 

Are these women serious?  OMG I beg you...wear some real shoes for a change.  You really wear four inch heels to take out your dog? Of course, the women all dress in designer outfits even when having coffee together.  And always, the drama! I can't help but wonder how people would react to - you guessed it - The Real Housewives of Ramsey County (St. Paul, MN).  Let's introduce them:

First, we have Stacy.  She is the proud mother of three children and stays at home, while her husband slaves away at 3M.  Does he have a glamorous job like the husbands on the other shows?  Nope.  He works in a lab, making sure the scotch tape actually continues to stick on stuff.  They live in a four bedroom stucco home in the Battle Creek neighborhood.  For excitement they bowl on a couples league.  I do have to say, those matching bowling shirts set the tone for haute couture Minnesota style.

Second up, Chris. She is a newlywed and the outdoorsy type. Chris and her husband David really enjoy camping in the boundary waters or at various state parks. Yeah, sure, you betcha there are mosquitos...but waking up at dawn to the sound of a black bear scratching the paint off your car because you left a candy wrapper in the front seat makes it all worth it.  Her shoe collection is simply amazing.  You will look a long time to find another woman with so many pair of tennis shoes and hiking boots.  Fashion? How about a walking stick with a cougar head carved on it?  Nothing says "woodsy" like a smiling cougar head.

Then there is Barb. Barb and Danny have been married for five years and have been trying to have children with no success. Danny runs a bait shop over on White Bear Lake and Barb loves ceramics. She has ceramic elves posing throughout her yard. Along with a Ferris wheel that holds several plants, a toilet seat with vines growing out of it, and twenty-four (count 'em, twenty-four) bird feeding stations.  They may not be successful having children, but no one can say they are not the nurturing type. Who needs kids when you have Dopey crouching right next to your garden swing! He doesn't even need his diapers changed.
Don't forget Brenda! She is recently separated from Bobby, who had an affair with Stacy.  Stacie's husband, Ryan, forgave her; but Brenda was not so kind.  Suffice it to say that claws come out whenever Brenda and Stacy are at the same potluck dinner. Brenda might be fifty pounds overweight, but that woman can make goulash.  Along with dozens of other hot dishes. Her signiture dish?  Green bean casserole (with a side of Jello). She always thought the way to a man's heart was through his stomach. Evidently not so for Bobby.  He was more interested in other body parts.
Roxanne fills out the dynamic five some. She and her husband Jake are expecting their first child. They can't wait to take their baby on bike rides along the many biking trails in the county.  Of course, during the forty-five minutes that it is warm enough to swim in Minnesota, they will take time out for that. They have it made.  They live in one of the mansions on Summit Av. in Ramsey Countyand they don't mind hosting euchre parties to show it off! Roxanne also enjoys hosting Creative Memories classes.  Yes, she is the proud owner of that truly artistic business...the one where you slam down photo after photo and spend hundreds of dollars on frilly edgings and borders, flowers and hearts to post next to aforementioned memories.  Then, when you think the book can't possibly hold more, you buy colored pens and write tomes of every second you spent on every vacation, birthday, and holiday.  Oh my, those will be cherished heirlooms for sure.

Something tells me this show won't make it. Why? Well, perhaps because it hits too close to home, regardless of where one lives. People don't wear four inch heels walking the dog, but they like to imagine a life so easy that they could.  No, we all pretty much wear real shoes, have real hobbies that are cheesy, enjoy comforting but tacky things, and-let's face it-each of us has a little redneck in them.  You doubt it?  Take a look at that Elvis painting on velvet you've got goin' on in the basement family room. If you can tell me with a straight face that is not redneck, I will award you with some four inch, dog walkin' heels.


  1. I just have to say, I totally dig that purple shoe! Although I'd fall flat on my not so flat ass wearing it!!

  2. I would have tottally rocked that shoe a few decades ago...now it would be suicide.